My Billboard Music Awards stream-of-consciousness, live-ish commentary. What you missed while you wisely chose to watch Game of Thrones. Set your sarcasmeters to full blast.
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Never live-blogged a BMAs before. Let’s see what happens.
What happens when the immovable awesomeness of the World Cup collides with the irresistable craptasticness of Pitbull? Let’s find out in the opening number!
Jennifer Lawrence told a funny J-Lo story on Fallon last week. J-Law’s entertaining. It was the most culturally relevant J-Lo-related item on television this week, including this live J-Lo performance.
Luda! Is this the 2004 Billboard Music Awards? If I didn’t have my contacts in, that could totally be LL Cool J, and these could totally be the Grammy Awards.
Shania Twain swims in the same gene pool as Pharrell and Beelzebub, apparently.
And Winnie Cooper, apparently. I wonder where the years are on her, because they’re not showing on her face.
One Republic almost looks like they’re using knockoff versions of Kanye’s digital Dobermans. One Repeeblus.
If you could’ve shown early MCs like Run and Chuck D and Kool Moe Dee a time-machined clip of Iggy Azalea, what on earth would they have thought about where “hip hop” would go?
Iggy would do well to avoid shots/performances/pictures with Ariana Grande in the future. Just saying.
I don’t want to say you have to be dumb to like Florida Georgia Line. I don’t want to say it. But in spite of my not wanting to, I will say that if my life absolutely, positively depended on my failing an intelligence test, I would mainline the entire Florida Georgia Line catalog into my brain using an iPod, a copper wire and a fork to prepare for it. That’s how I roll.
Yeah, I like strong women. Are we about to see the first ever female powerlifting performance on the BMAs, complete with grunts and weird squawks and noises and odd body contortions? No? It’s is a Shakira performance? Close enough.
Justin Timberlake didn’t even want to be in the same country as this awards show.
Did Kendall Jenner just become the youngest awards-show presenter ever to suffer an on-air stroke? She should’ve ended it with the words Adina Denzel.
What’s crafted in a lab, has 8 precious American thumbs, plays it’s own instruments and wears whatever t-shirts its corporate stylists tell it to? 5 One Seconds of Direction Summer! Playing a Beatles video before this was…inappropriate.
What I wouldn’t give to have watched that performance with a 2014 alive Kurt Cobain. Ha!
Lorde looks like she’s taken the black.
You never really stop and think about how often the musicians and artists we love are somewhere playing and dancing and singing onstage. What were you doing Friday night? Your favorite musical acts were performing in concert. Were you at home tonight watching the BMAs? Your favorite musical acts were performing in concert. Anything you’re looking forward to this week? Your favorite musical acts will be performing in concert. That’s the life they have chosen. You go see them in concert; you go home, they go to their next concert.
So I guess Kendrick Lamar is not in Imagine Dragons on a full-time basis. That kind of kills my vibe.
Would a dancing hologram of Michael Jackson performing at a 3rd-tier awards show in front of a SWAT/football team dipped in Han Solo’s carbon freezing goop even rate as one of the top 5 weirdest things in Michael’s life?
Was that the real Prince Harry at the show or the fake Prince Harry from that abominable dating show this summer?
Lorde vs a White Walker? Who ya got?
Ricky Martin. Is this the 1999 Billboard Music Awards?
Josh Groban locks his car doors while listening to “Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta”.
Double shot of Luke Bryan. Double shot of F. As in FF. Get it? Not if you listen to Florida Georgia Line, you don’t.
Was that Robin Thicke or a Brad Pitt hologram?
Nicki Minaj is weird when she isn’t being weird.
Lorde’s follow up album: Smash success? Forgettable failure? Discuss.
Miranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood looked like they should have been singing “Home Sweet Home” with Tommy Lee on drums.
Did Carrie write “Something Bad (About to Happen)” about her ex-boyfriend? No Romo.
Miley won for Best Steaming Artist. Of course.
John Legend finally wrote a song anyone could remember 4 minutes after hearing it. Congrats, John. Legendary.
Florida Georgia Line wins. Getting…dumer. Kant. Think,
Cool of Vernon Reid’s hologram wearing Michael Jackson’s jacket to perform during Jason Derulo’s set. And that joke would be so much funnier if you knew who Vernon Reid is.
If you could’ve shown early Beatles like Paul or John or George a time-machined clip of Miley Cyrus performing Lucy In the Ray of Dymunds, would or would not they have torn out their eyeballs?
Robin Thicke’s follow up single to “Blurred Lines”: Smash success or HA HA HA HA I can’t.
Iggy Azalea has maybe the weirdest, hardest to place accent I’ve heard. I could look up where she’s from if I gave a shit. But I checked, and I don’t.
Whatever tonight was, I’m pretty certain it was not the “beginning” of Jennifer Lopez’s story. But that was the end of the show.
And I watched it. Why did I do that? Where was Solange to beat some sense into me when I needed her?
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So that’s that. The above represent my opinions, that’s all. Feel free and encouraged to help balance out the universe with your own opinions below.
TheDaveyAwards 